Am I Tired Or Just Lazy?

For the past months, I've been living in a world of continuum..... Everything I do today seems to play back tomorrow. There is no "effect" for my "cause", no evident "result" for my "action". Just doing. Doing what? I have no definite answer, rather a melange of instances where I find my self conscious of what I'm doing. Look at the past day, week, and month...... I can only remember myself waking up, lunch, dinner, watch movies/YouTube till  2AM, sleep. Rinse and repeat. What I do in between these things is so minute in detail that it is near impossible to include them in written schedule. Sometimes I go outside and play with butterflies, sometimes I watch a movie, sometimes I go hang out with friends....... but most of time, I just walk around the house dazed doing bits and bits of random things that have no real finale. Like a book that was never finished because the author died in a tragic accident involving communist aliens and prehistoric dinosaurs. 

So am I just lazy or am I tired? I'd like to think I'm just tired, a form of self denial to obscure that fact that I have no prominent goal. A menacing kind of cure that temporarily relieves depression. Taking the truth and enslaving it to do what I please. But the truth is that I am lazy. How could I possibly be tired if I have daily agenda that requires little or no physical effort? I live in a half shut semi open view of the people around me, like I'm directing the lives of others even though I'm invisible. 

So am I lazy or just depressed? The book of definitions (dictionary) defines lazy as "one who is disinclined to work, causing indolence". But I'm not disinclined to work, nor unwilling to do things. And if not any of that, how can I be indolent? Actually, it's not really a matter of willingness to work, but rather a lack of forced work to do. If you had read my earlier posts, my current state of employment would justify my absence of work. Or labor. I have no preference between work or labor. Anything except "just doing". So I will assume that I'm depressed now? Depressed over that exactness that I have nothing to do? 

I've never quite categorized myself as of those people with sullen drawn faces bearing disconsolate hopes. I always thought of myself as the complete opposite, who made their depression a joke. Not to be mean, but to shield myself away from their aura of negativity. So I can't quite come to the summation that I'm depressed. But am I? Am I really just depressed? I heard from someone that the more depressed you think you are, the more depressed you actually become. So what do I do? Tell myself I'm happy? :) !? Try to conceal the problems that obstruct me from being genuinely happy? Pray to a God that goes directly to voice mail? Impermanent activities are all cover ups that fall off after it's finished, after the hype has quelled and the fun has passed. 

So what do I do now? Keep being sad and depressed, feeding my own "aura of negativity"? 

No

Lending toward depression is a way for losers. People who can't face the truth, and void the truth even if they are aware of the truth. Doesn't matter what age, or level of wisdom. Ignoring depression says that you're a loser. A roadblock to destroy and decapitate, not sweetening up to it. 

Like always, thanks for reading my blog! However, there is one main point that you as a reader must realize; this specific blog isn't for you. It's for myself.